Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony, and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at deathsquad. Tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliff at tonyhinchcliff. Com. And the Sunset Strips, my new Comedy Club in Austin, Texas. Go to sunsetstripatx. Com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Rebe, coming to you live from the Comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Here we go. Mama, we made it. You're here at Kill Tony. How are we doing tonight? Brought to you by ZipRecruiter and Shopify. Make some noise for the great Brian Red Band, everybody. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Carlos Sosa, Raul Valejo, Michael Gonzales. This is D Madness on the bass guitar. John Dees on the keys, and Sean Greenberg joining us on the electric guitar tonight for the first time ever. So much fun stuff planned. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas, is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx. Com for tickets. You guys ready to start tonight's episode? Oh, boy. Here we go. Where do I begin? Ladies and gentlemen, this is the return of the man who people are saying is the 2024 guest of the year, the return of one of the great comedians from New York with a brand new special coming out and the greatest skateboarder of all time. I present to you, Harland Williams, Tony Hawk and Ian Bidens. Let's go. Harland Williams. Here in finance. Tony Hawk. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Yeah. Kill Tony. Let's go. Harland Williams. Tony Hawk and Ian Fydance. Ian Fydance's special Wild Happy and Free Out April 21st at YouTube/beanianpod. Welcome back, Ian. How are you? Hey, all right. I'm happy to be here, Tony. Thanks for having me. Fuck, yeah. The Great and Powerful Tony Hawk's First Appearance on the Show. Thank you. Thanks for the invite. I thought this show was about me this whole time. It could be tonight. Anything can happen. The return of who many are saying is the undeniable greatest guest in the history of the show.

This is Harland Williams, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, he's going to throw up. Oh, no. Hey. Oh, God. I just want to say it's an emotional night for me to be here. I'm very happy to be here. My sister, as many of you know, is in the hospital tonight, and she finally got the brace off her eyes, and She was born, as we know, her eyes were really far apart like a hammerhead shark. Well, maybe Somebody better get on the fuck off, boss. Nobody laughs at old fucking Hammerhead. Well, laughter is the best medicine. Hopefully, your sister's watching tonight. She is watching from two different rooms. Here we go. You guys know how it works. Tony Hawk's first time. I'll tell you, Tony, a bunch of people signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I have pre-pulled the name. Our runner goes and grabs them from the bar across the street.

Poor choices here on the world famous sixth Street, Dirty sixth, absolute chaos out here on these streets on a Monday in Austin. They go chase that guy down and they wrangle him while our first performer who does a brand new 60 seconds every single week performs one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Silly, wild, a goddamn firestorm of energy. It's real. He exists. I present to you a brand new minute from one of our greatest regulars, the great and powerful, Casey Rocket. All right, I'll talk about it. Well, Tony, I've been training myself to inception people, and no matter how hard I try, I keep going into people's dreams and hooking up with that booger guy from the Mucinex commercials. It When we both finish, it's not that we both finish. I think I might be in love. Every time I start freaking out, What am I thinking? What am I thinking getting involved with this guy? I got a fucking family, man. I'm the editor of The New Yorker, for Christ's sakes. Every time I feel this little slimy hand slipping over, right on the square of my back. And he sets me straight.

He says, It's okay, baby. I love you, baby. And I just fall to pieces. Thank you. I'm Casey Rocket. Wow. I feel like there was no jokes there, just truth. Just a real sharing of a glimpse in the life of Casey Rocket. Hello, Casey. How do you feel tonight? Awful. Why do you feel awful? Stress. Well, I got to I'm surprised you didn't acknowledge it. Maybe I missed it. Did you acknowledge the fact that your eyelashes are extremely plump and long tonight? Oh, the eyelashes, I forgot. I probably look like I haven't seen my own bed in a couple of days. I'll tell you what, if you put pigtails in, you'd be the girl from Wendy's. How about that? We also had sex. I'm not fucking around.Thank you.Oh, it's true.That's for real. I see it. Been an awful week. I stopped being a door guy here. I graduated from being a door guy.I've been really sad.That's true. That's true. The second ever door guy to retire with grace and following in the footsteps of the great Cam Patterson. Yes. Every other door guy still waiting and hoping to figure out how to graduate from such a system.

You know what I'm a bit mystified about, though, Tony? As a door guy, and this may be a fault in your set, as a door guy, I didn't hear one fucking knock-knock joke. I got a knock-knock joke.Let's hear it.Okay. Knock, knock.Who's there?It's me, baby. I should have fucking known. He's back. I got a knock, knock joke.Let's hear it. Knock, knock.Who's there? The lead The lead singer of R. E. O. Speedwagon's hair. The lead singer of R. E. O. Speedwagon's hair, who? Well, there's no ending. I'm not a... What am I, a door guy? Fuck off. Do you think this crowd actually knows R. E. O. Speedwagon? We're very old, Harland. Well, I did, though. You did? Yeah, you nailed it. You guys were around when speed wagons was the best way to travel. So, Casey, here you are staring down with long eyelashes, pure retirement of door guy-ism. What are your plans moving forward? What are you going to with all the free time that you have for yourself? That's a good question. Well, I thought of a couple of things. My first plan, now that I'm not a door guy, is throw up in Fat Man and make all my friends clean it up.

My second plan, clear Chris Benoît's name by finding the real killer. Oh, my He's out there. Third plan, finding the lead singer of The Chicks, convince them to change their name back to the Dixie Chicks, then assassinate her for being racist. And my final plan, impress Jody Foster by assassinating the guy who tried to assassinate Ronald Reagan to impress her. Wow, a lot of murdering going on. There's a couple of murders in there, but I have free time. I've never... It's the first I've ever seen a man with a scroll with other paper on top of the scroll. Are you trying to reuse that scroll for something down the road, perhaps? The scrolls aren't cheap. That's a legitimate papyrus scroll. I stole it from the Louver. They're furious. I love it. What else is going on, Casey? Making it big. What the fuck? No, Casey, you go ahead. I thought I was supposed to get mad, too. It's all you, Casey, and here he goes, everybody. I thought we were all going to get mad. I miss all of us getting mad. Me and the door guys used to get mad all the time. Oh.

No, I won't be. Yeah, I have other plans. Kiss 100 Colombian baddies in 100 minutes. This is absolutely incredible. Ian, you've seen Casey Rocket before. You see him again. What do you think about all this? I think he gets prettier every time. This is incredible. It seems like some of the mascara, you hit your cheeks with it a little bit. I was tears. I was sobbing. I couldn't stop thinking about Greg, Greg Mucinex. I was just back there, air to the Mucinex fortune. I was It's just a fucking falling apart. Thank God, Jesus, Josh, he came and he literally, quite like Christ, picked me up. Yeah. I'm not sure they knew who Christ was. That was good that you put it in context. Did it again. Jesus Christ. Yeah, that's him. That's where you would hit it. There you go. Oh, there you go. Good stuff with the volume down. But just ready to get in my head into my 40s with a stomach full of ambition and a heart full of gold. There you go. I'm only 29. Can I just say... I got time to go. Can I just say the obvious about those eyes that I think everyone's dancing around.

Yeah. Can I be honest. About 20 minutes ago, were you deep-throating someone? I don't have to answer that. You don't have to answer that. And in 20 minutes, do you want to be? But you have made your eyes very, very pretty. Maybe perhaps you could help Harland's sister figure out what to do post-op. I am this close, this close to grinding a P. F. Chang lettuce wrap into your clit. Whoa. Someone knows how to get me fucking hot and heavy. I love that. P. F. Chang. All right. Casey, you're an unbelievable way to start the show. What a special treat. Every goddamn week. Creative, wild. We love you. There he is.Thank you, guys.The regular. Kc Rocket. Now, and only now, do we go to the bucket. This is where anything can happen and fucking chaos ensues. We all meet people all at the same time, and it's all fucking wild. This is where we found all of our talents. It's where we found all the psychos. Anything can happen. This is 60 seconds uninterrupted by your first bucket pull of the night, bald Mike. Here we go. Bald Mike. How are we doing, mothership? Yeah, we're keeping it right, huh?

All right. Well, yeah, they call me bald Mike. It's not because I have cancer. I ain't dying. Don't worry. I just got a little alopecia. You know what I mean? A little bit of that J to pink it. It's come in handy sometimes. I got it when I was young, so I had patches of hair and it got all frizzy. It looked horrible. But it really came in handy when my grandma died, of all times. My parents, after dealing with all the bullshit, they were like, You know what? Fuck it. Let's go to Disney World. When I was a kid, I wasn't like, Oh, yay, Disney. I was just like, Cool in an amusement park. Let's go. Went, had a blast. It was a great time. But on the plane ride back, my parents were like, Fuck it. Let's get loaded. They're just getting rum and coke, beers, all that bullshit, left and fucking right. The second or third drink that they got, the stewardess came up my mom and was like, Listen, honey, I know this sounds weird, but God told me that I need to give you a hug. She's like, Is the plane going down?

What the fuck is happening? Okay, stands up, gives her the hug. It wasn't until two weeks later that she realized, Oh, fuck, that's probably because they thought he was coming back from his make-a-wish trip from Disney World. Dying ass. Anyway, that's my time. Okay, bald Mike. This is a very hairy situation we have here. Looks like you could have shaved some of the words out of those set up. Yeah, probably. What do we think about this guy? I would roast him more, but it looks like he's already been roast. Tony Hawk. I like the punctuation with die-in-ass. It reminds us.Thank you.Thank you. It is incredible. I've never seen a full-size sea monkey before. This is absolutely incredible. I'm star struck. Harland Williams. Well, I Look, can we be honest? It didn't go great, okay? That's not a cut. Look, I'm here to mentor these guys, and I wanted to bring this as the only comedian on the stage with a degree from DeVry and Comedy. Oh, wow. Is that made from the same scroll, Casey Rocket? Sometimes there are little things you can do, and I'm going to mentor this kid here. Give me your last punchline of your last joke, and I'm going to show you a little something you can do to pull the laughter from the crowd.

This is something Dawn Reinblatt taught me up at De Wrij. Okay. Well, admittedly, I'm not a comic. I don't really have a ton of jokes. I just had that story, and of course, I ran it long. Just tell me the last sentence. Yeah. He doesn't do comedy. He He doesn't do improv very well either. I had a punchline that was fat people architecture, but I couldn't figure out how to word it into a joke.If you could help me out.What? Just say the last sentence of the story you just said. Yeah, just say the last sentence of what you said, We are aware it wasn't funny. Say it again. Got you. It wasn't until two weeks later that she realized that, Oh, shit, that might have been because they thought he was on his make-a-wish trip back from Disney World. Okay, now watch what I'm going to do for you here. And this is something I learned up at the night school at De Bruy. It does say De Bruy Night School, August 11th, 2014. Don Reinblatt signed it. Here he is, Harland Williams, fixing bald Mike's nonexistent punchline. So sometimes when things are so silent, you could hear two crickets sniffing a cornbread fart.

What you do, and this is what they taught me, you pull a goofy face. So I'm going to do your last line and watch. So my parents said, This might be my takeaway trip to Disneyland. Damn, that's amazing. I'm not fucking finished. So So do you get it now, you little whore? I love it. Absolutely incredible. Amazing. De Bruy. Bald Mike, you say you're not a comedian. What made you sign up for the show tonight? Why are you here? Where'd you come from? Do you live here? No, I'm from Omaha, Nebraska. I'm a huge fan of the show. And part of the reason I wanted to come up here was I was going to see if you could come up with any new roasts for me. The Sea Monkey one, I haven't heard before, but I've got a couple favorites I've heard in the past. Why don't you do some of the jokes that people have made about you? That sounds fun. Then I'll know what I can eliminate off of my list because I have a lot here that are head and shoulders above anything you have. But you go ahead. Let's hear some of your best ones so that you don't call me a hack afterwards.

Fair enough. Well, so there was this one time I was smoking with a bunch of my buddies in my friend's apartment, and we were smoking a blunt. It got to the end of it. My one buddy who's black, it was him and his girlfriend. He's hitting the very end of it, and he hands me the roach. He's like, damn, bro, that's a fat roach. Here you go. At this point in my life, I was just saying, boy, you look like a to whatever it was. I hit him with, boy, you look like a fat roach. I hit the blunt and he said, Man, shut the fuck up. You look like my kneecap. Killed me. Do the Goofy face. Do the Goofy face. Yeah. That is art, ladies and gentlemen, De Bruy. You're a guru. Ten years in running. Yeah. Devry Comedy Night School. Yeah. I'm just trying I can help. Your black friend said you looked like his kneecap. Yeah. Were you more tan? No. Maybe the bottom of his foot, perhaps. Yeah. His palm, maybe. This is something you've always wanted to do, just come out and bomb on Kill Tony. What do you do for a living?

I do screen printing, so I put shit like this on a T-shirt. Okay. You have a face for screen printing, that's for sure. No doubt about it. He looks like a hairless cat you wish would be over his nine lives. It is incredible. A new one. Has anybody ever Sharpied I have to make eyebrows on you? No. Can I? Can I do that? Is that okay? I'll let you do it. Yeah. Face me. Make it look surprise. Make it a surprise. Hey, Chene, I can cover it up a good stuff. Don't put it far too long. Heartless. Don't put it fucking-Shut up. Stay still. Absolutely incredible. Oh, my pen slipped on your forehead a little bit. It says gay. God damn it. But I did. I gave you the people's eyebrow in honor of The Rock being at Russellmania this weekend. That's a stellar eyebrow. Do it to the Goofy Face. Do it to the Goofy Face. Hey. Oh, it's much harder now. That's called You'll be gay right there. Hell, yeah, dude. Casey Rocket's going to put some eyelashes on you. You're going to be a whole different guy by the end of the night.

I love this. We're going to have D Madness give you a mustache. It's going to be fantastic. I love it. Do us a favor, don't wipe that off tonight. Yeah. Off in this club. What do you think this guy showers? Get out of here. Yeah. What's the point? Can you smell what I smell like? Imagine how clean shower drain must be. No hair. That was my joke, you fucking idiot. Jesus Christ Almighty. Dude, go light. He's gay. I know. Ian, give him some powder. You know what's funny? This started a few weeks ago. For some reason, Bonsai started making one jokebook that is made of actual hair. Ladies and gentlemen, you're getting a big jokebook tonight, even though everything about She was terrible. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for bald Mike. There he goes. Crazy. I don't know what he thought was going to happen during that minute, bud. Well, good evening. I recently went to see the Austin FC play, and I had to get the best seats. I used a pre-sale code. I set my phone alarm to buy the tickets the minute they went on sale. Because when you want the best, you have to act quickly, or someone else will get it instead.

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That's you and Shopify. Shopify is the global commerce platform that helps you sell at every stage of your business. From launch your own online shop stage to the first real life store stage, all the way to the did we just hit a million order stage? Shopify is there to help you grow. Whether you're selling scented soap or offering outdoor outfits, Shopify helps you sell everywhere, from their all-in-one e-commerce platform to their in-person POS system wherever and whatever you're selling, Shopify has you covered. You know who else has me covered? All right, man. I love Shopify so much. I've used it in the past for my own merchandise. Sometimes I'll just go to their homepage for hours and look at it, Tony. Shopify helps you turn browsers into buyers with the internet's best converting checkout up to 36% better compared to other leading commerce platforms. Did you know Shopify powers 10% of all e-commerce in the US? And Shopify is the global force behind All Birds, Rothies, and Brooklyn, and millions of other entrepreneurs of every size across 175 countries. I did not know that, Red Band, but thank you for telling me. Shopify's extensive help resources that are to support your success every step of the way because business is the grow, grow with Shopify.

Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify. Com/killtoni. All lowercase, go to Shopify. Com/killtoni now to grow your business. No matter what stage you're in, Shopify. Com/killtoni. All right, here we go. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian, Josie Marcellino. Josie Marcellino. Here we go. I'm autistic and bisexual like every other annoying bitch now. It's a one-to-one ratio. If you have autism, you're bisexual. They don't explain why, but I have a theory. I think it's because pussy is the coolest fidget spinner you could ever get your hands on. Just like a real fidget spinner. I don't really know how they work, but I will put my whole mouth on it. I said that joke to my coworker the other day, and she liked it. She laughed. It was fine. But then she just looked at me and she was like, Oh. And she was like, But are you not going to... You're going to say that on stage? Isn't your dad coming to the show? And I was like, First of all, no. Do I look like someone with a supportive father? No, I don't.

I look like A Pornhub version of Sarah Huckabee Sanders. That's what I fucking look like. Homeless guy told me that yesterday, which was crazy. I was like, How do you know? What was she on the front cover of your blanket? How do you know who the fuck that is? Where'd you run into her? Thank you. Josie Marcellino making her Kill Tony debut. Welcome. I forgot I'm still going to talk to you. Excited to have you here. This makes three comedians in a row with Drawn on eyebrows. This is very exciting. This is a first in Kill Tony history. You would think 11 years, the tens of thousands of bucket pulls. This must have happened before, never before. Welcome to the show.Thank you.You have an incredible energy.Thank you. To you.Thank you.What do you do for a living? I am an associate producer of a TV show.Oh, wow.I sign an NDA, so I don't like to get into specifics of it. Love on the spectrum, we know.Yeah.Okay. Autistic and bisexual, is that true? That is true. What are some of your autistic traits? I know every country's flag, and I'm really into them. Really? Yeah. Okay. How about Trinidad and Tobago?

It's a red and white striped diagonal flag.Wow.Yeah. Absolutely incredible. How about the transgenders? Their flag or just them in general? What do I think? Either one. It's a win-win situation. Well, their flag is the cool... It's the blue and the white and the pink, and I'll keep my thoughts to myself.Okay. Everything's fine? No, I love them. All right. Hell, yeah. Absolutely. Ian? It looks like you're wearing a flag. Yeah. It's incredible. Slovakia, am I correct? Is that close? No, it's more of a red flag. Oh, it is Trinidad and Tobago, actually. Red band. Flip that around. Show the people. That's incredible. It actually Look at that. Holy shit. Actually, it's similar. What are the odds? It was a trick all along. I knew the flag of Trinidad and Tobago. All right. Okay. Autistic and bisexual. If you had to guess, I always ask the bisexual people this. Are you 50/50? Do you have a preference? Is there one when you get drunk that you gravitate towards? What's the deal with your bisexuality? I've never understood it before. What were you going to... It looked like you had a follow-up. No, go ahead. I think for me, sexual attraction, 50/50, but in terms of relationships, it's mostly guys.

Why do you think that is? I'm a nightmare. I can't have a second one of me. That's crazy. If you're autistic and bisexual, does that mean you don't make eye contact when you eat pussy? Yeah, never. Absolutely. That's the best part about it. You just go down there and do your business. Are you making eye contact when you eat pussy? Yes. That's horrible. Do you have any... No, you got to make Harland's face. I got bad news for you, buddy. You're eating them upside down. What? Well, if you're going to laugh. As an autistic person, and I hope some of you, have we seen any of your works anywhere? No, that's artistic. Yeah, I don't know. Josie, where do you live? I live Philly. Philly? Yes. Oh, wow. Okay. Have you always lived there? No, I'm originally from a little small town in Northern Maryland. Oh, Cream Cheese? Yes, that is where I'm from. What does the flag look like? Cream Cheese, Maryland. Well, it's Philly Cream Cheese. I need to go to De Bruy, Night's Gold. Do the goopy face. Do the goopy face. Okay, I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up?

About 18 months in total. 18 months? Okay. You counted off like it's a baby or something like that. It is my baby. Okay, you love it. I do. You do it a lot? Yes. All right. What's the most exciting thing you've ever done in your entire 18-month career? What's your night of success? What happened? What was your favorite night of comedy ever? What happened? I've done the last two Skank Fests, and that was really fun. Both of those shows were amazing. So had a lot of fun there. Yeah, I've also... There's just different clubs in DC, Maryland and Philly, and those are the places I've been. I love it. Yeah. I love it. Absolutely. You have any special skills or talents or anything other than stand-up? I make costumes. Oh. Like a lot of them. I do like 31 every year for Halloween. Is that fucking Tony Hawk? Whoa. You are autistic. Holy shit. Yeah. Holy shit. She wasn't lying. Wait. Holy shit. Wow. You just got to watch her bisexuality disappear in real-time. Oh, my God. Was that part of your act? It wasn't. That was What's the flag for slow Ed? Ask your mother.

I don't know. Oh, my God. Uh-oh. I don't know what's happening. She is from Philadelphia. I, too, am autistic, and you just made me have an organ. Thank you. Fuck, yeah. Josie, what's something we would be shocked to know about you, about your entire life? Anything crazy of any? I've lost 75 pounds. That's fun.Oh, wow.Yeah. Wow. I was going to say, because she looks very sexy, but you're also a little husky. I still got the skin. Don't Don't worry. It's there. We wake up in the morning and punch canoes. Yeah. What? How did you lose the weight, Josie? I just put down the fork. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's what it is. You just count your calories and then eat less than you burn. Counting calories is easy when you're autistic. Yeah, exactly. Okay. Josie, anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you know? You and I have the same birthday. Oh, wow. Me, you and Kanye West then.Yeah, June 8th.Absolutely. Gemini, the twins. There you go. No doubt about it. You look like you were eaten by your twin in the womb. Okay. All right, bitch. Wow. For someone that lost a lot of weight, she sure is hungry for more.

Yeah. I love it. Can I ask one question? Because I'm an ink guy. I love ink, Tony. Do you have tattoos? Well, I didn't ask to see that. I fully thought you meant pens when you said ink. I was like, Oh, somebody else is autistic, too. That's cool. Well, I just told you I was when I had an orgasm 30 seconds ago. Keep talking. There's a second one on the way. Can I change seats? But I I noticed you have a little tattoo on your arm there, my love. What? Tell us the significance of it. We're all curious. It's a stand-up tattoo. I got it done at Skank Fest. They have tattoo artists there, and so I got that done this year. What is it, though? It's a very odd-It's the stool and the mic. Oh, it's a stool and mic. Isn't that funny when people want to hear shit talk? Oh, stool and a mic. Stool and mic. Look, guys. Right. Fuck off. Josie Marcellino. Very fun stuff. A good enough set for a big joke book, I do believe. A fun interview. Congratulations. There you go, Josie Marcellino. All right, you get it.

We're in it now. Our third bucket pool of the night has been pulled. A one-word name. Always interesting. Let's see what happens here. I love it. Hell, yeah. How about a hand for the band again? Also, make some noise for your next comedian, 60 seconds from Helena, everybody. Helena is next on Kill Tony Live here in Austin, Texas. My older brother is a teacher now. I've never known less in my life. This guy was trying to convince me the other day that slavery was bad. Dog, that was peak America. We're still chasing that high. If you think that money can't buy happiness, you need to reconsider slavery. Imagine having the fattest stack of greenbacks at the auction. They bring out David Lucas, the biggest three-fifths anyone's ever fucking seen. I would buy the hell out of that guy in the olden days. Nowadays, all you get is kids, and all the cute colors are always sold out. Thanks, Obama. Okay, Helena. Helena. Thank you for joining us. Must have been a long trip to get here from the Civil War. What the fuck? How did you get here? Via REO's speed wagon? Some real high-brow comedy there.

As we continue the streak, this is-Multiple of the fuck is that, Zacks, Obama. This is Indeed, the fourth comedian in a row with drawn on eyebrows. If you had that on your kill, Tony Bingo card, if you bet at DraftKings, the sportsbook app, if you bet $1 on four comedians in a row with drawn on eyebrows. You just won $3.5 billion. All you needed was $1 to win $3.5 billion. That's at the DraftKings Sportsbook app now. Holy shit. Where? Okay, Harland, go ahead. It's refreshing to see comedy with a KKK. She looks like she got dragged here through the underground railroad. It is incredible. Where are you visiting us from, Helena? In that dress made of cotton? Deep Madness has seen enough. Okay, so let's talk about it. Helena, have you ever done stand-up comedy before? No. Okay, so what made you want to do it here tonight on this show? The Crystal Meth made you do it. Probably, yeah.Go ahead.No, I'm delusional. This is just I've decided to do. When did you decide to do this? What made you do it? When? Yeah, sure. Anything. Yeah. Like a year ago. I just decided. This is your first time signing up?

No, I signed up early February. And you didn't get up? No. Here you are. Here I am. This is what you prepared for? Yes. This is what I prepared for, yes. Okay. I'm just curious, why do the questions keep coming after she said she was delusional? That's good point. I don't know. He's trying to squeeze a dry orange over here, it appears. Helena, what do you do for a living?I'm an electrician.That's not an orange. What do you do for a living? I'm an electrician. You're an electrician? That explains the hair. Yeah. That shit is fried. I got caught in the rain today. Did your hair go to Defry Comedy? No. It is unbelievable. You are an electrician, obviously. Not that great at your job. You've been shocked before, am I correct? I have been, yeah.Many times?No, just twice. Just twice. Okay, absolutely. Okay. What made you write an ultra-racist set tonight? That's a good point. I was thinking about it, and I just wanted to go edgy. I don't know. What do you have against black people? Is it because your lips are so Are you small? Yes. It is a little bit of the envy aspect, I would say.

I also have the flattest ass that there is. Yeah, you do. You look like the wicked witch of the West Side. You know what I'm saying? Have you ever been with a black man? No. Have you ever been on a date with a black man? No. Have you ever even said hello to a black man while not working? Yes, I have. Do you have any black friends? Yes, I do. Name your black friends. First names only. Go ahead. Starting now. Erwin. He's my brother-in-law. That doesn't count. Actual friends, not relatives. Nice and easy on the music so that we can hear. Go ahead, rattle them off. Here we go. All your black friends, Helena's. Welcome to another episode of Helena's Black Friends and go. Maceo is a black friend. That is a really good question. No. Black people don't like me. There you go. I wonder why that is. We should ever call Maceo and say those jokes to him on the phone. How do you know Maceo? Huh? How do you know Maceo? We went to elementary and all through high school. When's the last time you talked to Maceo? Honestly, a few years ago.

I think four or five years. This is incredible. Dude, we're not tired. I'm from Utah. What? I just moved here from Utah. Okay. That's why there's not that many black people there. Utah, famously light on the black people, 1.6% black people in Utah. I know We looked it up. Cam Patterson wrote a joke about it. It's funny. Completely. I don't know anything about funny. I know. Very good. Helena, before I let you go, what's the most interesting thing about you or your life that would surprise us or we would find interesting at all? I think probably the most interesting thing about my life is I go back to the same place in my dreams, like 80 to 90% of the time. Is it a proud boys meeting? Tony. Is that Tony? Yes. Oh, my God. Tony. Tony. Tony is killing kill Tony. Here we go. What is that dream? I don't know, dude. I honestly, two years ago is when I started having these dreams, and they just started showing up more and more. You can't describe it at all? I can describe the hell out of it. It's insanely specific and consistent from day to day.Okay, what is it?

Your dream to dream. There's a city part, and then there's a forest part, and then the city has all sorts of crazy shit. There's this really big oval building that's got multiple floors, and it's got trees in the middle of it. This is terrible. All right, here's a little jokebook. There you go. Helena, everybody. We're going to keep it moving. Oh, my God. Holy shit. It's a fucking psych ward here tonight. Oh, yeah. You know what we should do? We should get one of our regulars up here. Do a complete reset. Following Helena, ladies and gentlemen. What a position to be in. I present you another one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. This is a brand new minute from the one and only Kam Patterson. I was taking the shit and I just ran up here. I'm out of breath. I'm tired. We're going to make it happen. This is going to be good. I've been around a lot of white people for a year now. I've been in Austin for a whole year. A whole year, dog. You all change how I think about shit. I'm not saying how I think about everything.

I used to steal shit when I was a kid. I used to steal a lot of shit. Now when I see something, I could steal it like a whore. I could buy it and then write it off on my taxes. Because that's how you all steal. You all steal smart. You all steal from the government. You know what I'm saying? That's smart as shit. I used to break in houses. I used to break a house when I was a kid. Now I see a house and I go, Oh, that house probably got great equity. You get what I'm saying, nigga? You're not laughing, but you get it, bitch. My homeboy can't leave the state of Florida because he has a peer officer, and he got arrested for a lot of bullshit, and it hurt my heart because he can't leave. That's my nigga, and I love him. We're blocking him. Not like that. Not no gay shit, but that's my dog, and I love him. You feel what I'm saying? And I love him, but I wanted to leave the state. And his peer officer, he couldn't leave the state of Florida. He said he couldn't leave.

And When she told him that, it hurt my heart. I was like, That's my dog. But your side of me was like, Well, if you weren't doing bad shit, nigger, you could leave the state of Florida. Funny face. Motherfucker. Unbelievable. Wow. He just got his own diploma. Come on now, I went to college, bitch. Wow. Come on, dude. Night school meet night school. This is incredible. Wow. I fucking loved that set, Kam Patterson. Absolutely incredible. You're talking about stuff that is so up your alley, your true perspective. You used to steal shit. That's just fucking hilarious all the way because it is true. The write offs and everything. The more you learn about that shit, the more it is incredible. You all teach me a lot of shit, man. I really appreciate that. Hell, yeah. Absolutely. I'm learning. What's up, Tony? You good? Hell, yeah, man. This is crazy. Fuck, though. I hear you. I had a skateboard one time when I fell and I broke that bitch in half and I never did it again. But it was because of you, though. I did it because of you and I hated it. I didn't like it at all.

But I'm a big fan. I'll never get back on that bitch. I was terrified after that. I was scared is she? He can help you. He taught Bobby Lee how to do an Ollie in one hour. This is true. For real? This is true. I'll do it now. I'll get back on if you teach me. Nobody else can, just you. You're welcome. Open invite. Absolutely. Hell, yeah. You heard that, right? Just sign the waiver. Okay. Yeah, yeah. It says no stealing anything. That's all it's saying. Big letter, just don't steal shit, nigga. That's it. Amazing stuff, Kam Patterson. I love it. That's real, by the way. That works. What else is going on, Kam? You're killing it. Another amazing weekend of shows in Dallas and Houston. Houston was fun for everybody else. I bombed real bad. You bombed? You hear what I said when I walked off stage? No. You said, How well? I say I hate them and I'm going to kill myself? That's what I said. Oh, really? I don't ever actually listen to anything that anybody says during that part. It's a little fun fact. If you ever see two comedians like that, it's just bullshit.

Good job. Way to do it. I'm like, I hate them. I'm going to die today. I was sad, though. But you know it's a learning experience. You know what I'm saying? Shit happens. Well, what do you think went wrong there? What was the vibe? A little too fast. Wasn't hit in the pocket. You know what I'm saying? Shit like that. Yeah. Timing and pacing. When I got out, I started throwing shit. It was bad. I feel like I lost Mars Madness. It was bad. You were throwing stuff afterwards? I'm throwing shit. Oh, shit. I'm an athlete at heart, bro. So, Bomba just hit me in my soul. You feel what I'm saying? That's a loss. I lost. They beat me. I won today. You know what I'm saying? But in Houston, they beat the shit out of me, boy. That's interesting. Now, when you Well, you're the one that threw out, buddy. You hold up that degree, and you're not going to have any problems. I'll never lose again, baby. You feel what I'm saying? I love it. Yeah, Houston was one of the only shows where I didn't catch any of your set. I was up in the green room up until the very I'm glad you didn't see it.

Yeah, well, I thought you did great. You told me tonight, now I know that you're struggling. No, no, no. I love it. Kam, you're a sensation. What else is going on? Anything else crazy in life? Nothing too crazy. You know it's weird, but I ain't going to... You feel what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. No, he has some stuff going on. Yeah, we're not going to talk about it right now. Yeah, no, we shouldn't talk about that. There's an itch. We'll talk about it eventually. One day we'll talk about it, but not right now. Yeah. We're going to wait on that. Maybe like a new year, maybe like the form or something. Yeah, exactly. That sounds about right. But he's got some stuff going on in his life that maybe we've all been through. No, it's okay. It'll be all gone in a week. Do you have a toilet flush? We have a toilet flush? There you No, but I got a ticket to Six Flags. There it is. Poor baby. All right. Oh, I get it. There are other states. Other states nearby. You're right. I love it. That's not the thing. That's not it.

Well, Kam, one door closes, another one opens. A fantastic fucking set. Way to do it. Kam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. A goddamn sensation. Fun, fun, fun. But now we go back to the bucket. Let's meet another poor soul. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. Could be the next star of the show. Could be another eyebrowless human being. Make some noise. Oh, it's the lovely Heidi, everybody. Thank you. Those are real eyebrows, real everything. Heidi is all-natural, absolutely stunning. We love her. Sheena with three A's. Hg, is that right? Something like that? Oh, my God. Thank you so much. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? With that, make some noise for your next bucket pool, 60 seconds uninterrupted for Sean Vance. Here we go, Sean Vance. My name's Sean. I grew up black belt Christian. We're talking ninth-degree non-D-noms, all right? We believe that premarital sex was just a direct ticket to hell. Now, I didn't want to go to hell, but my banana was booking flights, dude. People say the devil's in the details, but dude, for me, he was in my wiener. That son of a bitch. I was getting hard everywhere. I was so ashamed just walking around with this rock-hard sin stick in my pants.

What I would do is I'd tuck it into my waistband and I'd cinch my belt shut. You like that, you pervert. My dick would be like, Mmm, tighter. It's fucking hard, dude. I tried so hard to be a good boy, but there's no winning with the dark Lord in your drawers. You either service him during the day or he destroys your underwear at night. I just think it's unfair, right? If God's going to make it that way, I think he should have done my laundry, not my mom. All right, that's it for me. All right, Sean Vance. Welcome to the show, Sean.Thank you.How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?I've been doing stand-up for about a year.One year. Where at?Foenix.Okay. This This is your first time in Austin? Oh, yeah. Coming to check it out. This is what brought me here. How long have you been here? Drove in yesterday night. Okay. You came here specifically for this? Fuck, yeah. And look at that. This is your first time signing up. You got pulled. Yeah. How does it feel? Oh, I'm so thrilled. Absolutely. I wish it had gone a little bit better, but I feel okay.

Right. Ian, finance. I liked your act outs. You really committed and got into it. I thought that was really cool. Thanks. I think you have a lot of issues with the way you talked about things. Just It was funny. There was a lot behind some of the things you said. Yeah, it's dark. It's dark in there. I think you called your PP a good boy or something. At one point, that was a lot. Sometimes it's a good boy, sometimes it's not. What? Oh, so naughty. Harland, I think I just came. Good. That was great. For doing it a year, I thought that was really great, man. I thought that was great. What do you do for a living? I'm a writer. What are you writing? I write film and television. I'm as close to successful in film and television as you can come without being. What that means is... Okay, so my background, my history is I started in Special Forces. I moved to Los Angeles about 10 years ago. Started doing comedy. I became a personal trainer. I got in at this gym called Rise Rise Movement, which was like a quintessential Beverly Hills train celebrities gym.

At the same time, I was pursuing comedy doing Groundlings, and I sold my first show to Netflix. It was called The Green Braze Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse with Matt Damon and Peter Berg that I started in, wrote, and executive-produced, and it got canceled because of Me Too. I didn't do anything. Sure. That goddamn Matt Damon is out there acting up. That's right. That's exactly who it It was Matt Damon. Was it really? He said that there's a difference between rape and bad behavior, and that got a shitload of backlash, right? Hold on, wait. He said that there's a difference between rape and bad behavior? Yeah, I believe he was defending Louis. Yeah. Then they were upset about it. I had written a joke in the script that was anti-woman is what they said. Get out. Yeah. Mr. My Banana be booking flights. It was. Just keep blaming the devil stick in your pants. That goddamn son of a bitch. Does it all come from a real place? Do you get hard? You're a hard and horny guy? Or growing up, especially. What about nowadays? What's going on nowadays? I'm married, and we bang all the time.

Really? Cool. Fuck, yeah, dude. I'm in that pussy. That's your wife. Jesus.okay. She loves it. How long have you been married for? Fifteen years. Explain to these people and everybody here how you keep it exciting in the bedroom after 15 years. Well, a lot of people think that it goes down, but for me, it has gone only up. The key to marriage is MDMA. I don't know if you guys have done it. It's not a joke. It's not a joke, dude. If you do MDMA with your partner and you really open up, you share your soul, you let her in, dude, by the end of the night, she'll let you come on her face. It's fucking… I mean, we tried anal, dude. It was fucking… She did not like it, though. What in the hell is MBMA? Are you having sex down Sesame Street? What the fuck? That's what I thought at first. No. We got a girl who knows how to spell there, guy. Yeah, what's a midba? A midba, yeah. Molly, ecstasy. On the street, they call it Ecstasy. When you do it therapeutically, it's called MDMA. That's the pure one. Yeah. I did it for trauma, not just for the sex.

Okay. No, it was mostly for the sex. You ever do angel dust and go to Staples and fuck an inkjet printer? Not yet. You know what they say? One in the inkjet, two in the stinkjet. That's why this is the number one live comedy podcast. I love it. You said you were in the Special Forces guy? Yeah, it was a Green Beret. We got to ask, and sometimes, like Tony, we got a little touchy, but we got to keep it real. Do you ever kill a guy? No, I missed out on that. You will. One day. I cannot imagine if you would have killed a guy, how hard your cock would have been. Oh, boy. No waistband could hold that thing. That's right. Let me ask you this, were you ever close to killing a guy? Mostly just my drill sergeants. What did you do exactly in the Special Forces? What was your Special Force? He was a secretary. Yeah, I was a secretary. No, it was an 18 Delta, which is a Special Forces medic. 18 Delta, that's the weed that doesn't really get you high? Yeah, I think so. They have that out here, right?

That's a sponsor. We got the real stuff in Arizona. Oh, it's a sponsor. Just kidding. I love it. I don't even smoke actual delicious, perfectly fine marijuana anymore. Once Joe Rogan started drug testing us here at the Comedy mothership, I switched to 18 Delta. And I love it. Me too. Yeah, it's good. You should try 19 American Airlines. That stuff's really good. I'll tell you. Life's right. You could sit the fuck immediately. Yeah, sir, sit down. You just fucked up that American Airlines joke. My teacher, that would have worked. And then this fucking guy, Ma'am, if you could spin your head around like a baby owl. Sir, if you could close your legs, it smells. Wow. No, I mean, this guy's legs are wider than Sharon's Stone at a Spread Eagle concert. Oh, my goodness. You are just flexing some of Don Reinblatt's best teaching songs. I fucking love you, Harland Williams. So much fun. Tell us the craziest thing about your life, Sean, because there's a lot of crazy behind those eyes. I know you keep it together pretty well, but tell us, in real life, the wildest thing about you. How The wildest thing about me.

In college, so I was super Christian growing up, as I said in my set.Super what?Christian. Very Christian. I didn't smoke or drink in high school. Then I went to college and I tried weed for the first time, and that shit's good. Wow. Thank you. World's worst undercover cop, ladies and gentlemen.I'll tell you.That shit's good. Anybody have any? My goodness. I love weed. That shit is good. Am I right? Does anybody have a felonies-worth amount? Yeah. That dope. It really is. Yeah. Anyways, I tried weed, and that was really a gateway for me. I threw my life away after that. No, my wife, I can't throw her away. She's too strong. No, I threw away a full ride tracks. I got kicked out of college pretty quickly for fighting, smoking weed in my dorm room.What was the first thing?Fighting. Oh, fighting. Loyal to Marymount. Fuck those guys. Right. Yeah. Is that by Cream Cheese, Maryland? Okay. Then I got in trouble for stealing, and I got a bunch of community service on the Caltrance freeways. Just from smoking weed? Well, no, it was a bunch of things. I had actually stolen $16,000 worth of groceries from Albertsons.What the fuck?Was that in one trip?

No, it was many trips, dude. It was many trips. Because of the Munchies? Wait a second. How much did you steal? $16,300 is what they had me for. How does this happen? What fucking meat heist is going on over here? Salmon on me, boys. Just every week. You're not sensible We only have a few days we have to eat. Yeah, it's right. I was Robin hood of the dorms, dude. I was just stealing stuff for everybody. Every single week, I would just go. I went to college on a track scholarship, right? I had really no concept of the real world because I had left this bubble I grew in. I thought that anything I wanted to do, I could do. I had a journal, I wrote in it. The only thing-Gay. All right, go ahead. Can I write gay on your forehead? Okay, go ahead. I saw that guy. It's crazy because lots of things can stop you, not just fear, like freeway meth, which is what stopped me. You tried it? After I got in trouble for the stealing, I had to pick up the freeway, right, Caltrans, and I found a bag of meth.

You had to pick on a trans freeway? What does that mean? Does it go both ways? It used to be a residential road, but now it's saying it's a freeway. Okay, there you go. All right. It's what the T stands for in his PTSD. Yeah. Anyways, I found a bag of meth, and I did it all in one night and overdose. Do the face. Do the face. Yeah, we all just... There we go. Hey. Thank you. All right. Watch me. Sean Vance. Fun stuff. What a Christian, though. Can we just say that? I was a really good Christian. Stealing and unbelievable. Personal training was fun, too. You got to train a lot of celebrities. Say that again? I was a personal trainer. I trained a lot of celebrities. Anybody else here tranny? Training? I thought you said personal training. Personal training, yeah. It was a weird world. Yep, absolutely. I used to train Whitney Cummings, one of your guys' friends.Oh, yeah, absolutely.How was that? It was fun. She was a great client. Right. You two crazy fucks just out there. We would just giggle and say nonsense. She's strong. Yeah, she's strong. She actually really is.

Yeah. Stronger than Bradley Cooper, for sure. You worked out with Bradley Cooper? Oh, yeah. He was the worst client I ever had. Whoa, tell us more. Don't you dare? Now, it's not fair to say that because I am a man. He gets along really great with all the ladies. But with you, he was-What are you implying? That if I was a lady, he would have liked me. I was just a junior trainer, and I think he was like, Get this guy with PTSD away from me. It's because every time he re-racked, you were like, Is that a bomb? Wow. So he wasn't nice to you? No, it wasn't that he wasn't nice. He was just a little bit aloof. The first 15 minutes of the workout, he just wouldn't say hello. Would you Can you describe him as Shallow? Shallow, la, la, la, la, From the Shallow. Now, Harland gets me in a silly mood. I don't know what's going on here tonight. Make some noise for your next comedian, Gordon Dixon, everybody. Gordon Dixon. I don't know. I just feel the devry running through my veins. Make some noise for Gordon, everybody. What's up?

Austin, make some noise. There you go. Hell, yeah, man. Just moved here from Florida, hooked up with a... Yeah, Florida in the building. Hooked up with Austin Cougar last night. You know what I'm saying? Since the elder She was an amazing woman, man. She was amazing. She was 88, so it was definitely past cougar. She was tricerotops bitch. That's what that was. Just extra old. She had one of them old 1930s bushes that started at the top of the belly button, right? And it all the way down up the back into a fade. It was a strong bush. I called it Bush Gardens. That's how thick it was. It was roller coasters and shit. It was a great time. She was an old hole, man. She's like, I want all holes filled, even the one in her neck, because she was a smoker. But I just put the tip in. I didn't want to kill the bitch. I love her. You know what I'm saying? She got dementia. She forgot about me five minutes later. Anyways, I was like, Just the tips, Sister elder. Let's go. She died today, so it was fucked up. I went to her graveside and just left a pack of menthals and sprinkled some nut on it just to be like, I miss you, Sister elder.

All right, that's my time. I'm Gordon Dixon. Thank you all. Gordon Dixon, everybody. Making his Kill Tony debut. Hi, Gordon. How are you doing, man? How are you doing? Fun, fun, fun. Is any of that true? Yes, but it's not true here. That was in Florida, but yes, it is. She was 68. She wasn't 88, but she was, you know. Okay. She was oldly. Did you really jizz on her grave? No, no. Just the menthols. I'll leave it. No, she's not dead, right? No. She might be dead. How long you been doing stand-up, Gordon? I've been doing it four and a half years. Four and a half years. What city exactly? Tampa, Florida. Okay, very good. What do you do for a living? I quit my job. Well, I got fired from my job and my girlfriend left me. You got fired from installing cable for Time Warner? Yes, exactly. No, seriously. For Diddy, I installed cable for Diddy. No, tell the truth. I didn't suck the whole dick, and he was like, Just a tip? No, bro. Okay, this part, during the interview part, we just told the truth. What did you really get fired from?

No, I was a recycling truck driver for the city of Clearwater, and I failed my drug test. So they were like, You got to go. What was the drug that got you popped? It was edible. It was a good-ass edible. Oh, shit. But I had a drug test six months before that, so I was like, I wasn't... Normally, it's like a year later, you'll get drug tested. And they got me, man. That was a half-black in me. They were like, We're going to get that half-flops. How long ago did you get fired? It's been about four months now. So in December? So how have you been surviving? I had a pension. I cashed that out. And then, yeah, I was like, I'm out. How much was the pension for?Let's just say it was...Let's just say the It was honest answer. It was good. It was good. It was good. It was good. Okay, that is fucking good for a recycling company. Hell, yeah. Okay. All right. So what do you do for fun? Florida people tend to be wild. Tell the truth. Right now, for fun, meth off a homeless people's backs. Let's do it.

No. Again, do you hear the response? That not honest answer. It's just comedy. I just moved here. So just comedy. I'm trying to get-You moved to Austin. You moved to Austin? I just moved to Austin. Okay, beautiful. How long ago? Two weeks ago. A little over two weeks. Here you are. You're on the show. How's it been going for you here in Austin? It's a struggle, man. It's a struggle. Tell us more about what you mean by it's a struggle. It's a struggle. Well, you go to a mic and there's 800 comics, and then you got to wait in line and get up on that stage. Fuck it. Whoever's there, you all going to get these jokes however you're going to get it. That's right. I didn't move out here for nothing, so fuck it. I'm going to get on stage wherever I can. That's right. I mean, that's how it was in LA and New York just a few years ago. 800 open micers everywhere.Go ahead, Harland Williams.I don't mean to steer away from your origins and what you're doing, but I told you I'm an ink guy. I love tattoos, and I know you have some on your inner arm there.

What are those? All right, everybody's like, Did you Google? I'm like, This is faith and love in Japanese. I used to be a Jehovah's Witness, so I was like, Let me get out of that, and I'm going to get a tattoo, and then that's what I did.Do you read Japanese? No, I don't read Japanese. Okay, well, I do, and that's a dinner number four. Okay, I'll take it, bro. I'll take it. You better get your ass up to the. I need it back. What other tattoos do you have? Show us more. I have both my grandmother's on my arms here. Oh, wow. My dad's mother and my mom's mother on these sides. Are they alive or dead? They're both dead. They're both passed away. Here There we go again. Here we go. Tony, you want to take this one? Tony, off. Oh, shit, bro. I prefer not to. I feel like not even the face is going to save this one. Well, the good news is we're tracking down where your grandmothers are buried and we're going to jizz on their grave. Hell, yeah. They would love it. They would love it. You would have to resurrect them.

Gordon, do you have any special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy? You good at anything? I used to sing a little bit in my dad's band. You used to sing? I used to sing a little bit. What band were you in? My dad did Motown shit, so I was a backup singer with him, me and my brother. All right. What was the name of the band? It was the JWs. We were Jehovah's Witnesses. So, yeah. Whoa, really? The name of the band was the JWs? We did the dances and everything, man. What was one of the songs that you used to do back then? I'll do it for you. I had no song. We would do Temptations Hallelujah. After we got fucked. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Okay. But what was one of the songs The J-Ws used to do? We did Motown stuff, Temptations. You know what I mean? What? Would you do any originals? No, they didn't. No, they just did covers. What? Can you name one cover? One cover, we did Celebration. Celebration. Temptations. Okay. You guys know that one? One, two. You're going to want me. One, two, three, four. That's what it was in fire.

Okay, we're going to celebrate good times tonight. All right, come on, white people. Let's get the clap going. Come on. Come on. Yeah. Here we go. You better fucking try. You better do it. There's a party going on right here. A celebration. All right, no, no, no, no. Stop, stop, stop. I could see why you were one of the backup singers. This is horrendous. Oh, my God. Now I see why you're getting cougar pussy out there. I got to get what I can get. Wow. Are we going to cut the cake soon? Gordon, Fun Times, my friend. Congratulations. You're going to leave here with a little jokebook. Gordon Dixon. There he goes, everybody. All right, we're going to keep it moving along. Make some noise. Another one-named comedian makes some noise. For Sunshine, Everybody. Here comes Sunshine to the stage. Fuck, yeah. Who better to spend your Eclipse with than Sunshine? Because God knows you didn't fucking see it when the clouds were out there. Am I right, fuckers? God damn it. I don't know. Hey, calm down, fellows. I know I'm a tall drink of hot dog water, but take it easy, okay? I know.

It's just Just keep it in your pants, all right, for fuck's sake. I can't hang out too long, though. I do need to get back and go to the tilta world that I'm operating. I hate how much you love these jokes. I do. I hate it. But I do. I got to go because those kids are getting sick. They've been on there for a long fucking time. Somebody's got to hit the red button for fuck's sake. God love them. I know you're thinking, does she really dress like a toddler every day of the week? Yeah, No, it's not just for the eclipse. It's fun. I like to keep all the patterns, all the colors, all the... I like to move a lot. Move a lot. Hot dance, hot dance. We're keeping the AI, I guess, and we don't want the robots to find us. We're hiding from Putin. We're having a good time, people. Fuck yeah, fuck yeah, dude. I like it. Yes, yes. I am if a pinata was a person. Am I right? You just want to beat me up a little bit and see if I got some candy in me, right?

I don't know. I don't know if it's been... Yes. There you go. Sunshine. Over here, Sunshine. Relax. It's over, Sunshine. I am terrified. You're right. You're okay. You're okay. Sunshine, you're okay. Just take a breath. Take a breath. God, unbelievable. Sunshine, can I call you Melanoma? Please, please. If you don't, the doctors will. So thank you. Here's what I love, how life is cyclical. When John Wayne Gacy passed away, who knew that his overalls would show up at a and you would find them? It is incredible, Sunshine. I feel like I know everything about you, and I have never talked with you before. This is incredible. I mean, so let's just jump right into it. God bless us both. I love it. Tell us what-You know when Black Lives Matter got rid of Aunt Jemimah? This is what it turned into. It's true. It's just nice to I was surprised to meet the old lady from that guy's last set. This is incredible. Sunshine, welcome to the show. Have you ever done stand-up before? Oh, yeah. I've been doing it about six months now. Okay. What made you When did you want to start doing stand-up comedy?

I mean, I've loved stand-up since I was like 9, 10. I was watching Insomniac, Dave Attell. Of course, yeah. A great comedian. Yeah, I mean, fucking legend. I saw him here a couple of months ago. I don't know if any of you saw I'm sure you did, Tony. It's okay. Just keep going. It's cool. We're having a good time. We're plugging. We're plugging. How about that Hot Cross puns? Okay, let's go back to the question that I asked you here, Sunshine. Really focus. Over here. Look over here instead of to the masses. No, I got turned on to your show maybe six, nine months ago, and then also at the same time got really into the Marvelous Mrs. Mazel. I was like, Tits up, bitch. Let's go. We just got out there. You know what I'm saying? We're having a good time. Ian likes it. He likes it. He's wet. It looks like you weren't able to convince your tits to actually go up. I know. They are small but mighty, Tony. They are small but mighty. There is indeed another eclipse happening here. It is a garden. How often do you get sick, Sunshine?

You look like you get sick about every week. No, I'm hearty and strong like a bull. Is that true? Oh, yeah. I could haul you up the stairs, no problem. I don't think you can. I'll strap you to my back like a fridge. Let's go. I'm positive you cannot. I'm positive you can't. What do you do for-Let me ask you this. You ever put Lego in your overalls and then do some diarrhea and make brown waffles? Fuck, yeah. Who doesn't? Good question. I thought so. I love to make brown waffles in my Lego overalls. Yes. What do you do for a living, Sunshine? I clean houses. Okay. And take names. All right. You do that. Where do you do that at? Here, there, and everywhere, wherever they'll me in the door, really. Okay. Let me be more specific with the question, where do you live, Sunshine? I live here in Austin. I live right here. How long have you lived in Austin? About seven, eight years now. Seven or eight years. Where's your tent? Over on the Riverside median, baby. We're keeping it busy out there. What is your exact living situation? Because I'm not kidding, the smell of patchouli is strong.

It smells like what she looks like up here. That's right, it does. It is fucking frightening. I doused up extra for you, Topey. So, Sunshine. Yeah. I knew you could smell me. Ian, don't laugh at horrible shit, Ian. It's getting to the point where you're having a little bit too much fun. It's just so bad. I do live in a house. It does have a roof. How many other people live in the house, Sunshine? Just me and my boyfriend. I know, I know. I have a boyfriend. It's shocking. I get it. I look like I eat box, but only recreationally. You're adorable. I like your style. What is your bathing routine? It's coming up. We're coming up, Tony. We're coming up. We're getting there, pumpkin. For those of you keeping track, though, a fun fact is that she also has no eyebrows whatsoever. Oh, my God. It is incredible. Get the Sharpie. It is incredible. All the hair went from her eyebrows to her armpits. It's crazy. It all ran right away. Sunshine, what else do you like to do? What else are you into other than stand-up comedy? I like to go out to Lady Bird Lake with my paddleboard and look for bodies.

What else? Shit, dude. I like to sing. I'm a singer. You're a singer. Well, we had a singer on here before. What do you like to sing? Would you like to hear some Amy Winehouse or some Janice Joplin? Let's go Amy Winehouse. What song do you know how to do? Try to make me go to rehab. I said no, no, no. Oh, yes, I'm in blame, but when I come back, you know, no, no. I ain't got the time. If my daddy thinks I'm fine. All right, I'm going to save you, Sunshine. There you go. No. Are you at it? We're having a good time, Tony. I don't know what you're doing. I just hope you and Amy Winehouse have the same ending. She didn't even like pills as much. She didn't even know those lyrics were her song. No, I knew the song. Neither did Amy. Neither did Amy at the end. It was a very authentic performance. Harland Williams? Maybe she's more like a singer sewing machine that you put together another outfit. How about that? But I love that name, Sunshine. It's beautiful. I got to know, Sunshine, if you have twins, are you going to name them the Two Scoops of Raisins?

I don't know what those names are, but for you, Harland, anything. Yeah, sure. All right, I'll see you later tonight. I like But I don't need to be reproducing. I don't need to be reproducing. Let's be honest. What, Ian? I like you. You're authentically yourself. I look like jokes are pretty funny. If you can do those with other things, I think you'd be all right. But I like your vibe. You're fucking nuts. Sunshine, I like you, too. Open up that little pocket there on the front. Pull it out. I'm going to make this. They don't let me take anything in here. I'm going to make this jokebook in there. Just pull it out. There you go. Keep it open. Ready? Oh, good. Close enough. That was bad. Here, let me try again. I'm OCD. Come on. Let me try again. Let me try one more time. There it is. Sorry, I'm really good at making shit into places. Great job. It would have fucked with me all night if I didn't get that. There goes Sunshine, everybody. And a special treat. From Sunshine to darkness. I present to you, Kill Tony Hall of Famer, one of the legends of the show, here to grace us with a performance.

This is the return of David Lucas. Yeah. I'm glad I can afford to fly first class now. Not because I want to be bougey, but the seats are bigger. I used to hate flying coach because every time I fly a coach, they would have to bring me a seatbelt extender. And when those stewardess bring those seatbelt extenders, they hold that motherfucker high in the air. They I'm like, Well, that motherfucker in the air like a WCW Championship belt. It's like, Where the hell is the big show? I'm like, Hey, Hope, put that motherfucker down. I don't think America has an anti-trans problem. I think America has an anti-trying problem because nobody wants to see a fucking 6'5 nigger in high hills. Nobody wants to see a 6'2 man with a fupa. You know what I'm saying? It's It's like, if I want to see somebody tuck their stomach into their pants, I'll get me a Mexican bitch. Them Mexican hos took the shit out of their stomach. It's like, Bitch, you ain't got no belly button? What the fuck going on? All you see is stomach. That's my time. Thank you. Boom. David Lucas. Again, just like with Kam, the thing you look for in real comedy is perspective, right?

Something that only you can talk about. And spot on, not to make it too serious, but the seat belt extender for you. It's both... Fucking, why am I blanking out? Self fucking-Deprecating. Self deprecating and fucking funny to you, your perspective. And you nailed both. What's your favorite airline? That was all day. Oh, okay. They got the best snacks. Oh, my I bet. They got charcuterie boards. Nigger, that shit is shit. Oh, shit. Charcuterie. Is that one of your cousins? Yeah. Okay. Tony, we're so appreciative of you because you gave us that eclipse today. Wait. When you put your booty hole in the sky. That was Tony opening and closing his asshole. Oh, my God. Look at Harley Williams. You like Tyler Perry presents Back to the Future. Marty, in exactly 60 seconds, this Cadillac is going to go. Well, at least I'm not back to the fucking buffet. How about that? The front runner for Guest of the Year 2024, flexing his DeVry night school certificate. John Reinblatt is thrilled right now at his young-Judging by your hair, you had an audition for Elvis, the stage play. That didn't go too well. No, it didn't.

Judging by your hair, the children of the corn have diarrhea. You roast just like me. It makes no sense, but it's funny as It doesn't have to. You can't punch me. I have no chin. You show don't. I had to choke your chest out. I love it. Grab that nigga by the... Oh, shit. David Lucas. Tony Hawkins here. That shit is crazy, man. Hell, yeah. Hell, yeah. Soon you're also going to be traveling by ramp. When they take your feet from the diabetes. You're in a wheelchair. You was the only nigga to ride a skateboard with his ass. You all ever seen a booty hole backflip? That's true. Catch me at the sex games. Tony. I love Tony, bro. I used to play that game to death. I'm so confused about what to do. You all remember that song? Yeah, that song follows me everywhere. That's so crazy. I walked in a coffee shop and it starts playing and the barista is looking at me like... You're tall as shit, bro. I am. You look like Tom braided, brother or some shit. When I saw him in the ground, I'm like, God damn, this is a tall-ass white dude.

I grew up very like a runt. I got tall when I was about 16, 17. It was fun for me because all the ramps seemed a lot smaller then. Suddenly, I can go a lot higher. Interesting. All right. That's not something. That's my joke. I'm teeing you up. There was nothing there. I like your hair, nigga. You look like a... With that brown and gray, you look like a juvenile German shepherd. That shit crazy. Whoa, whoa. Look at your fucking hair. It looks like Predator sent his kid to Jenny Craig. Oh, my My God. Harland Williams. I got to look up for my money here. Oh my God. How I let this motherfucking kung fu squirrel roast me? That shit is crazy. You look like a squirrel with a lot of knowledge. If you start collecting acorns in June. Oh, my God. I just ripped your nuts up with that last joke. Thank you, Donnie Rheinblatt.Oh, Donnie Rheinblatt.Education pays. That's right. David Lucas, have you ever skated? I know you I do thin ice, but you ever get on a skateboard before? I don't get your sensitive ass out of here, digga. What the fuck?

David's the only guy that tries to ride on a charcuterie board. You can sniff cheese and tell how old it is. With my butt hole. With his butt hole. I forgot to put the booty in there. That's the only way to make a game. Oh, my God. What else is going on, David? You dressed like you just bought a million dollar dildo, nigga. That shit's crazy as a mother. This dildo was made out of melted down rubber bands. I don't know why you got that shit on, nigga. You don't ask a little Crazy as hell. Well, blazing saddles on your shoulder, nigga. This is ostrich. Not all of us are. You got motherfucking camel skin that committed suicide. That nigga didn't drink water for like 60 days. Oh my God. Harland, give me another one, bro. I got it. What's that? I want you to roast me again. I want that fucking 65-year-old roast. What about... What about... What about... Harland chin looked just like his nut sack. That shit That's crazy. Your doctor give you a prostate exam on your neck, nigga. That's crazy. Hey, Harland. Yeah. You're the only nigga with truck nuts for a chin.

That's crazy. You got truck nuts. Boy, your ass out here, boy. Did you just call me the N-word? Hell, yeah. Finally. What about the N-fidence over here? You're looking at the world's fucking most diabolical pedophile and skipping right over him. He looked like he got a permanent disguise mask on. You know the one that comes? The one that comes with the glasses in the nose? Oh, My God. But back to Harlem, nigga. With that motherfucking neck, nigga, you look like a protected turkey, nigga. Your ass. That's the turkey they bring out to the White House. Ain't nobody killing that motherfucker. Let me hear you say gobble gobble one time, nigga. This guy goes to IHOP and looks for girls with one fucking leg. If I get roasted by another joke from the time when niggas had to go through the back of restaurants. Oh, my God. Now, you used to roast my granddad with them same jokes, nigga. There's that N I'm hurting. David. Just write it. David Lucas, you are a force of nature. How can you not be wearing girls jeans? Absolutely. Harland, stand up. Let us see your jeans, nigger. Uh-oh. That's the real deal right there.

Hey, Harland, your jeans came with janitor keys, your ass. You can hear that nigga walking through the hallway for a mile away. Harley can open up any door in Austin, bitch. That shit crazy. What a battle. Look how that nigga look, boy. You're out here looking like a motherfucking Mississippi preacher that get bit by a rattlesnake, nigga. You know them preach that let the snakes bite them and be like, God is going to keep me alive. That's that nigga right there, boy. Dude, you look like in living color after the crayon were left out in the sun. How about that? This is amazing. What a showdown. Devry versus deep fry. A battle of the Titans. I can't escape. This is comedy at its finest. Getting roaster by a gay and a geriatric, nigga. Hey, Harland, you don't know it, but they hid your medicine in that liquor you drink it. This is the only city in the country where the fucking Eclipse lasted three hours until he finally sat the fuck. It's over. It's over. Give him a hand. That's my son. Give my son a hand. He's pre-op. Father and son. He gave me a...

Unbelievable. What a fucking performance. This is the difference between between people out of the bucket, golden ticket winners, regulars, and then all of a sudden, a Kill Tony Hall of Famer. That is David Lucas. That is what he does. This is who he is, built strong here in the Kill Tony universe. Anything you want to plug, David? What else? Hey, man, I'm all on tour all across the country, man. Just check my website out, davidlucascomedy. Com. I love you all. He's flying in first class. You've been wondering why all those Boeing flights have been going down. It's because they're front heavy. You said, give himself a plug. You should go fill the black hole in outer space. How about that? All right. Final bucket pool of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Morgan Bounds, everybody. Morgan Bounds. One more time for Morgan Bounds, everybody. Come on. I have a problem. I want to get married real bad, but the guys I like would kill me with a gun, given the chance. I like blue collar men, like hands so dirty, you think you're going to get some weird infection. But unfortunately for me, I look like a lesbian Crystal witch whose primary spell is like, Summon Chlamedia.

Yeah. They think I'm crazy on first glance alone, and I think it's fucked up. I'm like, If you would just get to know me for 10 more seconds, you would finally realize I've got a great fucking rack. I'm multifaceted. I really am. But I am seeing a guy, and what I'm doing is every time we hook up, I make him a bomb ass breakfast in the morning, like really Southern good breakfast. And the goal is I Pavlov him, and when he sees an omelet with his eyeballs, his dick gets hard. I think that could be cool. No? No? Like, he drives by a Denny's and he's like, Fuck. I got to call this bitch, dude. I fucked it up. I did. I fucked it up because the other day, he got arrested in a McDonald's jerking off on a Mcgrittle. Giving it the old Mac sauce. Thank you, guys. I'm Morgan. Fuck, yeah. Morgan Bounds making her Kill Tony debut. Welcome. How long you been on standup? Maybe three months. Okay. All of it here in Austin? Yes. What made you want to start doing standup? Oh, no. I don't know. I go to a lot of comedy shows, and I've been known to get a giggle or two.

Not tonight, but you know. Okay. Thank you. It was good. You got a giggle like that lady said. You got to giggle. It's fine. Three months. What do you do for a living? I'm a district manager for Zoomies. Hi. So I know skateboards. Has anyone ever told you you look like Tony Hawk? You're the first today. Yeah. It's a retail store, and I run nine of them. What is Zoomies? It's like T-shirts and shoes and skateboards. It's like a teen action sports retailer. It's like a skateboard store? Yeah, involved. Holy shit. What are the fucking odds of this? That's incredible. That's unbelievable. I might have put her on the top.Thank you.Yeah, I do. That's amazing. Collusion is what that is. I love it. Did they sell pants there? Yeah, of course. I have on pants. Okay. All right, there's something under there. We were all wondering the same thing. Red band, more. Sorry, I have on pants. Red band's a little more disgusting than the rest of us, so he popped the question first. You are wearing pants. Some guy's so disappointed, he just broke a beer bottle over his head. He was really hoping this was a no pants situation.

Sorry. I thought he was staring so hard, he dropped one of his contact lunch. Somebody went into dry. Can I ask you? I'm a nut about ink. I love tattoos. I see that number on your leg. What is it? It's 2494. By the way, the same year, I lost my virginity. Now tell me. That's crazy. That's the year I was born. What in the name of Carol Burnet's? Wow. There she is. No wonder she's trembling. I'm anemic and I'm scared. Tell me about that tattoo. That is my father's race car number. We do drag racing, and it's his 69ova.Wow. Incredible. Yeah. A '69ova. He's racing a '69ova. Yeah. What races are these? It's drag race, so it's eighth mile and quarter mile on a straight track. You do a burn out and you go fast. That's it.In a Nova.In a Nova. It's badass. It's a really cool car. He has a roadster, too, but the Nova has been around since before I was born. He's had it forever. Wow. You're close with your dad? They live far. I don't see them often, but we're cool. We chat. Okay, that's why you're not funny.Oh, my God.That's my fucking daughter you're talking to.Wait, you're the...Watch your mouth.

No, I love it. I'm just kidding, Morgan. What do you do for fun? What else? Tell us more about you. You look I feel like you're the mayor of Austin, Texas. You have the tattoos, the bangs, the vitamin D deficiency. I look like Velma on Ketamine is what I always say. That's true. I play Dungeons & Dragons. Who gets? Uh-oh. Someone's fucking Hans Kim tonight. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. What is your sex life like? I've been not asking enough people that lately, but since you're not wearing pants, I feel like it makes sense. I pull. I do okay. Yeah, it's good. What type guys are you into? She said she pulls. She has a vibrator. She fucks elfs. I don't discriminate. I like tall, but I like charisma more, I guess. Okay. Daddy's home. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Somebody's going to 69 Nova tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, start your boners. Incredible. Have you done stuff on stage before? I did theater in college, which is more embarrassing than this was. What did you play during theater? What was your character? I was in a full link called Messiah on a Frigidaire, which is a white trash.

I don't know. They think they see the image of Jesus on a refrigerator. It's dumb. It was really bad. It's like the shroud of Turren in Cleveland. Oh, yeah. I love it. What else do you do for fun before we get you out of here, Morgan Bounds? I don't know. I play video games. I'm like, I do exactly what I look like I do. It's not surprising. Dungeons and Dragons, video games. What about the wild side of Morgan? What's a guilty pleasure, something? I like to get naked at the Renaissance Festival. Wow. Holy shit. You get completely naked at a Renaissance Festival? It depends on the day. I don't know. I'm a season pass holder, so we'll see. Oh, my goodness. Tell us more about what brings you to the... What do you love about the Renaissance Festival? The nighttime is really cool. It's camping, and there's all these clans that do different things. You're not supposed to tell about it, but-Red Band's googling tickets to Renaissance Festival right now. Yeah. Texas one. Yeah, Texas Renaissance Festival. He's hard as a rock because he found out they serve turkey legs there. Longest set you've ever done.

You're three months in. I did. I've done a 15. I'd love to have you do 5 Minutes at the secret show. You fucking pig. You fucking disgusting pig. You are the worst. Is he lying to me? You're the worst. Okay, that'd be great. There you go. Thursday night. You just got booked at a real show. I'll tell you I'll give you a big joke, but just because I was busy during your set and I don't know what happened. Terrible. You catch like you have anemia. There she goes. Morgan Bounds, everybody. With that, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you our final performer of the night. Indeed, ladies and gentlemen, Kill Tony Hall of Famer, the man who has the record for all-time appearances on the show, all-time interviews, the reigning, the bending, Goat, Of Kill Tony. He is indeed the Vanilla Gorilla, the Philly Philanthroper, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine. This is indeed your very own and our very own, the one and only, William Montgomery. Did you all see the eclipse today? It was actually great, but my fucking eyes have been killing me. I actually didn't know what caused an eclipse, I looked it up, and apparently it's when Lizzo walks in front of the sun.

Fat bitch. Okay. And by the way, if you don't believe in climate change, then explain why we've had all of these eclipses lately, dumb ass. Okay. This is a serious deal, this next one, Tony. During my last tour of Afghanistan, I came face to face with a Jihad. I had a gun to his head. He had a gun to So I said, Well, can I bum a smoke? He shook his head and said in his native tongue, You shouldn't smoke. And he handed me a nicotine lozange. I said, Thank you, kind sir. What is your name? And he said, Zin Laden. Okay, that's what I-59 seconds on the dot. Zin Laden. Yeah, what did you think? Was it too much build up or am I on to something with that? I thought it was great. I think it's fine. You do a lot of quick jokes. I think sometimes we can be patient. Just stretch it out a little. Why are you laughing, dumb ass? You've been fucking being mean as shit to people all night. You need to relax, Arlen. There's two things about you I want to say, and this is for real from the heart.

A, you're the only comedian on the whole circuit. By looking at you, we guess probably as a time machine. And two, there's a cabin somewhere with three naked priests hanging upside down, covered in Heinz Relish. Yes, in Montana. I have a... That is true. That is true. I see you eyeballing the goat, Tony Hawk. Oh my gosh, Tony, it is so nice to meet you. I just met you up there. Growing up, you caused a lot of heartache, honestly, in my family. My mom was quite the hypochondriax. She was just this crazy woman, and I was never allowed to skateboard, but I looked up to you so much, so it really just caused a lot of pain. It caused a lot of strife knowing I could...Thank you. That you could play video games and amelate what we do. Yeah, I was safer.It was safer. I know the video games are like 1080. I was a big fan of the snowboarding game. Because I wasn't allowed to skateboard, so then I went real hard in the snowboarding game genre. Because the skateboarding game was too dangerous. Is that what you're saying? Correct. I just wasn't allowed to...

My mom had these rules. I wasn't allowed to skateboard. Because of that, I honestly think it really left this weird hole in my heart. I just played, I love 1080. That was a really good-He was a great snowboarder. You might recognize him. This is Sean White's grandfather. We love you, Sean. We love Sean. Ian Fydance, looking right down the eye of the storm. You're the closest to him. How does it feel over there next to the Big Red Machine himself? Scary, but inspiring. It's nice. That was great. Thank you so much, Ma Ian. Did you just combine man and Ian? I'm not kidding. I'm literally just seeing the Eclipse mark in my eyes. I thought it was fine with it being cloudy. I swear to God, I'm seeing something in my right eye. It looks like an Eclipse. We did see a picture of you earlier looking directly at the Eclipse. This is a real thing. Everybody else, every other comedian, it seems, posted a picture with them with the Eclipse glasses on. Not William. I had to look up at it, Tony. I'm thinking, It's going to be funny, and it seemed okay. Then afterwards, I'm thinking, Oh, this is cheesy.

Why am I doing this? I don't know. I had a lot of self-doubt today. About everything. I had no idea. You were again. Then I find out you're here. I swear it was just so awkward with my mom growing up. I wanted to skateboard so fucking bad. She let my ass fucking roller blade. Did you ever do that? I did not do that. Yeah, right. It's pussy shit. I mean, people aren't supposed to be, but... Wow. No kick flips and rollerblading. Yeah. Did you ever try anything tricky in rollerblading, William? No, I was never able to. I wasn't allowed. We didn't have rollerblades either, so I couldn't... Well, what was the thing that you were allowed to do? What did you do? Did you ever go down? What was that weird cackle? What was that? I mean, I'm fucking bombing up here, bitch. So what the fuck? I swear to God, I'm seeing an eclipse in my fucking eyes right now. Was it you? Did Did you ever do anything as a kid? I've never really asked you this. What were you into? Lincoln Logs. I was a Lincoln Logs kid. Wow. Yeah. The Indian guy likes the Lincoln Logs a lot.

But yeah. Did you ever win any awards of any kind growing up? The Daniel Shores Award. I was a big swimmer. Daniel Shores, sadly, died. He was in the back of a Volvo and a truck, slammed into the back of it. So they had a prize for him where I swam. And you won his award? I won the Daniel Shor's Award. My name's on a fucking black somewhere in Memphis. Well, you know who else has won some awards as of late, including three last night at the Country Music Awards, is one of the greatest performers of our time and a huge member of the Kill Tony universe and fandom. Why don't you stay up here, William, as I introduce one of the greatest Kill Tony fans existing in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jolly Roll. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Somebody save me. Fuck, yeah. Me for myself. I spent so long living in hell. Well, they say my lifestyle is bad for my health. It's the only thing that seems to help. All All of this drinking and smoking is hopeless, but feel like it's all that I need. Something inside of me is broken.

I hold on to anything that sets me free. You know this? I'm alive. And baby, don't waste your time on me. I'm so damaged beyond repair. I'm a lost cause. And baby, don't waste your time on me. I'm so damaged beyond repair. Life has shattered my hearts and my dreams. I'm a lost cause. And baby, don't waste your time on me. I'm so damaged beyond repair. Life is shattered, my hopes and my dream. Yes. Hell, yeah. Jolly Roll. Oh, my God. They say my lifestyle It's bad for my health. It's the only thing that seems to help. All of this drinking and smoking is hopeless. It feels like it's all that I need. Something inside of me is broken. Last night I want three motherfucking CMD. I'm a love call. And baby, don't waste your time on me. I'm so damaged beyond That's why I'm a fan of kill Tony. I'm a lost cause. Oh, baby, don't waste your time on me. I'm so damaged beyond repair. Red Bear, don't hit that damn cat on me. Oh my God. How long can this place get for fucking Jolly Roll? I love you, Tony. I love you, Tony.

God damn it. We did it again. Make some noise for Harland William. Make some noise for Tony Hawk. Ian Binance. One more fucking time for Jolly Roll. And the best damn band in the land. Sean Greenberg, John Deese, Steve Madness, Michael Gonzales, Raul Valejo, Carlos Sosa, and fucking Esteban Viejo. The drawing from Ryan J. E-belt is in. Thank you to ZipRecruiter and Shopify. Unbelievable stuff happening. The stream for the forum is now on sale right now. So that's a two-night event. The Forum, the YouTube Theater. You can catch it absolutely live, or you could wait weeks for it. It's up to you. No pressure. But Hans Kim versus Rick Diaz, too, is on the line at the forum. And a lot of other fun stuff going on. How about one more time for Harland Williams, Tony Hawk, Ian Fydance, and Jelly Roll. Special shout out to a fan of the show and unbelievable artist, the great Dan Auerbach of the Black Keys up there watching. Maybe one day we'll be able to convince them to come down and play with us one day. Who knows? Anything What's going to happen? Red Band? Guys, check out Tony Hawk's amazing video games on all the systems.

I love him. I love your promoing Tony Hawk. Tony Hawk needs more help. But seriously, check out Hawk versus Wolf with the great Jason Ellis. That's Tony Hawk's podcast, Harland's podcast, The Harland Highway. Guest of the Year, Nominee 2024. I think he pulled out even farther out tonight. You know There's nothing we love more than having some of the top young rising comedians on panel. One more time for Ian Byteance. This special is out now. Wild, happy, and free. April 21st, it is out. The B & Ian pod as well. We love you guys. Did you guys have fun tonight? We love you. Good night, everybody. Thank you.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas, is now Now Open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx. Com for tickets.

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